The Stewart Family Ranch | Malibu, CA | Wednesday Evening, Fandom Time

[its_theclimb]

After a sold-out Hannah Montana concert (two-minute standing ovation, baby), the limo pulled up to Miley's house and she glanced over at Dave.

"So... just warning you, my family is strange," she let him know, grinning a little. "Like, majorly wacky. You sure you're ready for this?"

[[nfb, obviously. for that short kid.]]

Comments

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Have you forgotten where we go to school?" Dave asked. "I'm pretty sure I can handle wackiness."

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

Miley pondered that.

"Yeah, true," she conceded, and climbed out of the car.

It might be time for Dave to try some breathing exercises. Just saying.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

Dave was just going to breathe normally, thanks. He could do this. Adults liked him. He was respectful, nice, and unlikely to make a move on their daughters.

Oh, wait. Well, he was still two of those things.

"So it's going to be fine. Don't worry about it. I'm not," Dave said, following her out of the car.

[not-a-snotwagon.livejournal.com]

And look at that, Dave. There was a guy not that much taller than you standing in the front doorway with his arms crossed. This should go well.

"You were supposed to do the dishes," Jackson informed Miley, in a yes-I-mean-to-be-this-obnoxious tone much like the one that Dave might be used to hearing from his roommate.

Miley was unfazed. "You were supposed to do the dishes," she mimicked in a high-pitched impression of her brother.

Which just set them off, shouting over each other. WELCOME TO CASA STEWART, DAVE.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"You must be Miley's brother," Dave said, holding out a hand to shake. "Hi, I'm Dave. So nice to meet you."

[not-a-snotwagon.livejournal.com]

Jackson sized him up. Adjusted a wedgie.

"Uh-huh."

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

Dave lowered his hand. "Actually, I think I'll keep that to myself."

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

"Good choice," Miley stage-whispered in his ear.

In a fit of class and self-respect, Jackson stuck his tongue out at her.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"You guys have a very mature relationship, don't you?" Dave checked.

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

Miley looked dramatically wistful. "If only."

Then she whipped off her Hannah wig, affixed it (backwards) to Jackson's head, and sauntered inside.

Muffled but clearly audible, Jackson objected, "I'm telling!"

A beat.

"And joke's on you, 'cause I was chewing gum!" Followed by some exaggeratedly loud chewing.

So yes, Dave. They were very mature.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"That was pretty wacky," Dave admitted as he followed her in. "But it could have been worse."

[yeeedawgies.livejournal.com]

And the first thing he would see upon entering the house? Was Robby Ray Stewart singing into a hairbrush microphone in front of the mirror.

"I want my mullet back
My old Camaro and my eight-track
I want my mullet back..."

Which would be when he noticed the people in the doorway.

"...howdy."

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Good evening, sir," Dave said. Still wasn't too weird. Who didn't get caught singing stupid songs sometimes?

Dave had been through the desert on a horse with no name, after all. And it felt good to be out of the rain.

[yeeedawgies.livejournal.com]

Robby Ray gave him a Look, then made his way over (still with the hairbrush microphone) to shake Dave's hand.

"Are you an actor?" he asked.

Behind him, Miley and Jackson sighed.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Well, I tried out for the lead in a production of Slick during my freshman year," Dave admitted for reasons he couldn't explain. Nerves that he had done a much better job hiding before he had to talk to Miley's father? Probably. He did actually shake the hand, though. "But that's it."

[yeeedawgies.livejournal.com]

"A singer?" Robby Ray checked.

Look, he had Trauma with Miley's ex-boyfriends, okay. Performers of any kind were just generally bad news.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Not in public, no," Dave said. "At least not since I tried out for Slick."

He was a little nervous that Robby Ray would keep going until he got to 'knife thrower.'

[yeeedawgies.livejournal.com]

"Well, alrighty then." Robby Ray released Dave's hand. "Good to meet you, son."

"Hang on," Jackson objected, from where he was still trying to disentangle the gum-ified wig on his face. "Aren't you gonna ask if he's a mod--" And then he burst out laughing and didn't finish the sentence.

Miley glared.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"If it'll put your mind at ease, sir, I'm not a modhahaha, either," Dave said to Robby Ray. He figured it was probably better to let Miley handle her brother for the moment.

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

Miley did stomp off to deal with her brother, yes.

"Never thought you were," Robby Ray assured Dave.

Off to the side, there was an exceptionally girly scream that wasn't from Miley. Then a blond wig flew across the room.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Does that kind of thing happen a lot?" Dave asked. He was pretty sure the answer was yes.

[yeeedawgies.livejournal.com]

Robby Ray nodded sagely. "Yup. Hasn't stopped since she's been at school, either."

In the background?

"For a little girl, you're pretty heavy!"

"Lift some weights!"

"Eat some lettuce!"

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Sometimes I'm glad I'm an only child," Dave said, shaking his head at the shouting. "If nothing else, I'm sure it's saved me from getting a lot of bruises."

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

"Then here's some advice for you, boy," Robby Ray said helpfully. "Don't ever try bein' a dad."

To punctuate this point, Jackson came skidding across the floor, collided with his dad, and then ran to cower behind the couch.

"Victoryyyyy!" Miley sing-songed when she emerged a moment later, wearing a new outfit and looking completely polished. "So, dinner?"

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"I'll keep that in mind, sir," Dave said.

"Um, Miley? When did you have time to change?"

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

"I'm just that good," Miley answered vaguely, flopping down into a seat at the kitchen table.

"Hey, that's my--" Jackson started to interject, then quieted at the look on her face.

"Booyah," Miley declared.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

Dave took a seat next to Miley, figuring there wouldn't be any complaints after she quieted that last one. "I take it Jackson's younger than you?" Kt definitely seemed like that kind of dynamic. Also, he knew Miley's age, so that helped.

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

Jackson squawked. Meanwhile, Miley beamed. "Actually, he's nineteen," she announced loudly, reaching over to scoop some catfish stew onto her plate. "Malibu Community College. Biiiig step up in the world."

"Hey! Save me an--"

"You cannot," Miley informed him, "have an eyeball."

The eyeballs were the best part of the catfish stew. Everyone knew that.

"How old are you, Dave?" Robby Ray asked loudly over his children's antics.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Sixteen in a few weeks, sir," Dave said, but his focus was elsewhere. "Did you say eyeball?"

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

"Sure did!" Miley chirped. "It's the best part of the catfish stew! You want one? There's two."

That was normally how eyeballs worked, yes.

And Dave? There were three pairs of judging eyes on you right now.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

Dave glanced around quickly. "Only if nobody else really wants it. I'd hate to take away anyone's favorite part of the stew," Dave said. He was pretty sure he'd still have to eat it, but he figured this was a safe, polite answer that might bail him out if he was really lucky.

[yeeedawgies.livejournal.com]

Robby Ray looked longing, but passed the bowl of stew over to Dave all the same. "It's all yours," he granted generously.

"But Daaad," Jackson whined.

"Enjoy it," Robby Ray advised Dave.

And then watched him. Judgmentally.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure I will, sir," Dave said, trying not to appear too horrified at what he was about to do. He scooped up some stew onto his plate, making sure to get the eyeball in there.

Step one was done. But he wasn't going to eat the eyeball until everyone else was eating. Out of politeness.

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

Miley looked longing.

"You don't have to eat that if you want, you know," she said helpfully, edging her fork over in the direction of his plate.

The judging eyes continued.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Oh, no, it's not a... Wait. Nobody else is going to eat until I eat the eyeball, are they?" Dave asked.

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

"Probably not," Miley agreed, as her dad and brother shook their heads.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, that was becoming obvious," Dave said. "Well, eat up, everyone."

And then Dave ate the eyeball. He'd probably throw up later, but it was fine for now.

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

"...did you like it?"

The judgey eyes continued.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"It was the best eyeball I've ever eaten," Dave joked. Not choked, like he kind of wanted.

[its-theclimb.livejournal.com]

Aaaaand the judgey eyes finally relaxed. Way to be a trooper about it, Dave!

"They're my faaaavorite," Miley sing-songed, popping the eyeball she'd snagged into her mouth and savoring it. (Jackson eyed her with an expression that could only be described as "furious.") Brightly, she offered, "I could make this for you back at school, if you wanted!"

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

It was almost worse to see somebody else eat it. HAPPILY! Ugh.

Dave needed to refocus his attention. "Maybe, depending on te reviews you get." He turned to her family. "How good a cook is Miley?"

[not-a-snotwagon.livejournal.com]

"She's great!" Robby Ray praised.

Behind Miley's head, Jackson held up a thumbs-down.

"Do you cook, Dave?"

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Well, kind of," Dave said. "I won awards two years in a row for making the best preserves at my local 4-H. It's not really cooking the normal way, but sometimes you need people who just know hot to make really good jam."

[yeeedawgies.livejournal.com]

"Hey, you know, that could be something," Robby Ray said thoughtfully. "What kind of preserves?"

#stewartfamilypriorities

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Well, pretty much any kind of fruit I have at hand," Dave said. "But my specialties are peach and a mixed berry. The secret is to use just a couple blackberries."

"Next time I make some, I'll be sure Miley has a few jars to bring home."

[not-a-snotwagon.livejournal.com]

"That'd be great, Dave, thank you," Robby Ray said genuinely.

Behind his back, Jackson leaned into Dave's frame of view and mouthed, "Kiss-ass." But charmingly.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry, Jackson, I didn't quite catch that," Dave said. Yes, he was calling Jackson out.

[not-a-snotwagon.livejournal.com]

By now Jackson's mouth was full. He froze. "I said... I prefer raspberries."

Miley cringed and twitched away. "Ewwwww."

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"I'll be sure to make some just for you," Dave said.

The raspberry jam would taste terrible. He was planning that now.